Sunday's Message - Keys to Healthy Relationships: Honesty

Depending on your experience, you may wonder if healthy relationships are even possible. There’s a lot of brokenness in the world; therefore, it’s easy to question whether good, solid, joy-filled relationships are even possible. But here’s the good news; Jesus Christ came to heal our relationships both with God and with one another. As the Apostle Paul wrote, 

Christ has made peace between Jews and Gentiles, and he has united us by breaking down the wall of hatred that separated us. Christ gave his own body to destroy the Law of Moses with all its rules and commands. He even brought Jews and Gentiles together as though we were only one person, when he united us in peace. [Ephesians 2:14-15, CEV] 

During this series, we’re exploring some of the Biblical keys to a healthy relationship. Over nine weeks, we'll discuss the following topics:

• January 5 - Love
• January 12 - Honesty
• January 19 - Humility
• January 26 - Communication
• February 2 - Patience
• February 9 - Acceptance
• February 16 - Affection
• February 23 - Forgiveness
• March 2 - Unity

On Sunday, January 12, we looked at honesty. Below is the podcast and text of the sermon. You can stream the service by going to the Sligo Presbyterian Church YouTube Channel on Sundays at 10:00 a.m. (EDT).  You can hear a podcast of the service at the Sligo Presbyterian Church YouTube Channel or the Sligo Presbyterian Spotify Page.

Well, I think we can all agree that we’ve moved past Christmas, 2024. I mean, even if the tree is still standing, I’ve got a gut feeling that some of the decorations have been taken down and packed away, right? Even around here, I’ve got some inside information that the trees are ready to be bagged. And that’s probably a good thing. Although, I’ve got to admit, thanks to Diane’s tender, loving care, I think the poinsettias actually look pretty good. But be-that-as-it-may, stick a fork in it; Christmas is history.

And that’s the reason we started a new sermon series last week entitled Keys to Healthy Relationships. You see, over nine weeks, we’ll be talking about how we might strengthen the relationships we have with one another. And we started by focusing on love, you know, about how, if you get right down to it, love is about our attitudes and our actions and our decisions. Now, that was the first message. And today we’re going to focus on what I think is another key to healthy relationships, and now I’m talking about honesty.

And I’ll tell you, even though I believe everybody would probably agree that love is really important, frankly, I think the value of honesty isn’t particularly high now-a-days. Of course, I don’t think I’d have said that in the past. I mean, during our childhood, most of us were taught about George Washington and the cherry tree and were told by someone over the age of twenty-one that honesty is the best policy, right? Good night nurse, back then, telling the truth was a big deal, and not only were we told to do it with others we should expect them to do it to us, especially, those in authority, right? They should be truthful, right? But of course, this was before the age of alternative truth and the assumption that everybody is lying to us anyway; therefore, any expectation of honesty, well, it’s both naïve and unrealistic. At least, that seems to be what we’re told. And yet, when you think about it, without honesty, you really can’t develop trust. And if you can’t trust the people around you, well, you tell me how you can ever have anything close to a healthy relationship with them. I don’t think you can.

And I’ll tell you, for that reason, we’re going to spend a little time this morning talking about the importance of honesty. You see, in the next fifteen minutes or so, we’re going to look at these three questions. First, what does the Bible say about honesty? And then, second, why is honesty important for healthy relationships? And then, third, how might we become more honest in our relationships? Now, that’s the plan.

Of course, before we can get to the “how,” I think we really need to understand the what, you know, what does the Bible say about honesty? And I’ll tell you, although, not surprisingly, there are all kinds of passages about how folks who follow God should be honest, personally, in a nutshell, according to scripture, I think honesty has everything to do with being truthful in what we say and what we do; imagine that. In other words, it’s also about being sincere with our words and our work, you know, genuine and open and authentic. I guess you could say it’s choosing to tell the truth even when it’s difficult and when we might get away with slipping in a nice little lie. You see, I believe honesty involves our decision to say and to do what’s right even if it may not be popular or profitable. But I’ll tell you, I think this idea of Biblical honesty is more than just truthfully presenting the facts or sincerely following certain clear and inflexible principles. You see, in my opinion, it also involves speaking and living the truth with love, something we talked about last Sunday, and with humility, the topic we’ll cover next week. Now, for me, that’s what Biblical honesty is all about.

And I’ll tell you, I think we see this in a couple of passages of scripture. I mean, just listen to what the Psalmist wrote:

Who may stay in God’s temple

or live on the holy mountain

    of the Lord?

Only those who obey God

    and do as they should.

They speak the truth

    and don’t spread gossip;

they treat others fairly

    and don’t say cruel things. [Psalm 15:1-3, CEV]

Now, for him, not only was it important to “tell the truth,” but to do it in a way that doesn’t come off as gossip. Nor should it sound cruel, maybe with some name calling thrown in. Now, that’s what the psalmist wrote. And according to the Apostle Paul, 

We are part of the same body. Stop lying and start telling each other the truth. Don’t get so angry that you sin. Don’t go to bed angry and don’t give the devil a chance. [Ephesians 4:25-27, CEV]

You see, whether we look in the Old or New Testament, we’re called to be compassionately truthful in what we say and what we do. And for me, that’s what the Bible has to say about honesty.

And as to the question, why is honesty important for healthy relationships; in other words, if we’re interested in having stronger marriages and families, stronger communities and congregations, maybe even a stronger countries, why should we be speaking the truth with love and humility; well, I think it comes down to three very basic reasons. 

For example, first, I believe honesty simply pleases God. You see, according to the Bible, God hates liars and he loves the truth. Now, is anyone here this morning surprised by that; of course not. I mean, God doesn’t want us running around intentionally saying things that aren’t true, and I’m not just talking about stuff involving him. God wants us to be truthful all the time. And I’ll tell you, that just makes sense. My gosh, what does it do to our Christian witness, particularly with all those little pitchers with big ears who are carefully listening to what we have to say, if what we say isn’t true? As the witch says in that wonderful musical, Into the Woods:

Careful the things you say

Children will listen

Careful the things you do

Children will see

And learn

Children may not obey

But children will listen

Children will look to you

For which way to turn

To learn what to be

Careful before you say

“Listen to me”

Children will listen

Now, that’s what Stephan Sondheim wrote. But according to the writer of Proverbs, well, he’s actually a little more blunt. He wrote this: 

The Lord hates every liar,

but he is the friend of all

    who can be trusted.

Be sensible and don’t tell

    everything you know—

only fools spread

    foolishness everywhere. [Proverbs 12:22-23, CEV]

You see, honesty pleases God, and that’s one reason it’s important.

And second, I think it also builds trust. In other words, if we’re in a relationship that’s grounded in the truth and not in lies, all of a sudden, we can be open, can’t we, free from having to worry about whether or not we’re being sold a bill of goods and comfortable knowing that, when you enter the room we don’t have to watch either our backs or our wallets. You see, we can turn down the filters just a little bit and take in what we hear and see. Why; because we trust those around us. And I’ll tell you something, when we’re able to do that very thing, now we’re in an excellent position to grow, to become more than we are right now, to be able to incorporate the words we hear and to follow the examples we see. You see, this is possible when an atmosphere of honesty leads to trust. And maybe that’s why the Apostle Paul offered this advice to his young mentor Timothy:

And with God as your witness, you must warn them not to argue about words. These arguments don’t help anyone. In fact, they ruin everyone who listens to them. Do your best to win God’s approval as a worker who doesn’t need to be ashamed and who teaches only the true message.

Keep away from worthless and useless talk. It only leads people farther away from God. That sort of talk is like a sore that won’t heal. [2 Timothy 2:14b-17a, CEV]

I’m telling you, honesty builds trust, and for me, that’s another reason it’s important.

And third, I believe it also increases intimacy. I mean, if I believe you’re being straight with me, then I might feel a whole lot more comfortable being straight with you. You see, the walls between us start coming down. And those horrible games that fakes and frauds play with one another, man, they stop. And when those walls are gone and those games are no longer played, now, I can be open with what I honestly think and feel and want. In fact, now I can be vulnerable, because I know that, when you respond, not only will you tell me the truth, you’re going to do it in a way that’s loving and humble. And I’ll tell you, I think Paul understood this, and that’s reason he wrote this to the Colossians:

You must quit being angry, hateful, and evil. You must no longer say insulting or cruel things about others. And stop lying to each other. You have given up your old way of life with its habits.

Each of you is now a new person. You are becoming more and more like your Creator, and you will understand him better. [Colossians 3:8b-10, CEV]

You see, right along with pleasing God and building trust, I think honesty increases intimacy. And that’s the third reason why it’s important.

But you know, for as important as the what and the why might be, they really don’t matter very much, if we can’t nail down the how, you know, how might we become more honest in our relationships? And even though I’m sure there are all kinds of ways we might do this, let me briefly suggest three which I believe are grounded firmly in Scripture.

For example, if we want to become more honest in both our words and actions and to do it with compassion and humility, I think it’s important for us to know ourselves. You see, whether we want to admit it or not, we’re just a jumble of thoughts and emotions and motivations. In other words, I believe our values and principles, our thoughts and perceptions, our opinions and assumptions are shaped by all kinds of stuff lying beneath the surface, I’m talking about lessons and experiences we might not even remember, but which are still affecting us. And you know, before we throw down some truth to our spouses and children, our friends and family, our community and congregation, we might want to take seriously some of that stuff that may be hiding in the dark, something that, I think, the Apostle Paul did when he wrote this to the Romans.

In fact, I don’t understand why I act the way I do. I don’t do what I know is right. I do the things I hate.

I know that my selfish desires won’t let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot. Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong.

What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die? Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me. [Romans 7:15, 18-19, 24-25, CEV]

To be truly honest, I think we need to understand ourselves.

Just like, I believe we need to listen openly. Of course, this may not be something we do very well anymore. And I think we all know why. I mean, I believe most of us remember a time when a vast majority of the national news we got came from the Associated Press stories in the newspaper and thirty minute of Huntley and Brinkley or Walter Cronkite or Frank Reynolds and Howard K. Smith. But now, not only do we have news 24/7, of course, presented on “for-profit” commercial television, we can even choose websites and networks that tell us exactly what we already believe, reinforcing all those values and principles, thoughts and perceptions, opinions and assumptions that are lurking beneath the surface. Now we all know that’s happening; therefore, we shouldn’t be surprised that a lot of families are splintering and a lot of churches are dividing and instead of addressing the problems we face as a country, often we never get past assigning the blame. You see, unlike we did in the past, we just don’t listen very well any more, probably because we don’t have to. But I’ll tell you, it’s really hard for me to tell the truth with compassion, and I’m talking about the truth to Debbie or to Maggie or to y’all, when the only voice I hear is my own. And I’ll tell you something else, I think James knew this. I mean, just listen to what he wrote in his letter:

My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things God wants done. You must stop doing anything immoral or evil. Instead be humble and accept the message planted in you to save you. [James 1:19-21, CEV]

To be honest, I think we really need to listen openly. And that’s two.

And finally, if we’re really serious about making honesty a priority, we really need to keep our promises. In other words, if we say we’re going to do it, man, we need to do it. Our words need to match our work. But more than that, if we say that something is a priority, I think it’s important for others to see that we mean it. For example, if I say that spending time with my family is important to me but do nothing to change my schedule, well, my actions are going to speak louder than my words. And if that’s the case, I think it would be virtually impossible for my family to trust me with anything. And we’ve already talked a little bit about relationships that lack trust. But I think there’s some good news here. We have a lot of control over what we say and what we do. I mean, it ain’t rocket science. If we make a promise, we should keep it. But if we can’t or won’t keep it, we probably shouldn’t make the promise in the first place. It’s like Jesus told his disciples:

You know our ancestors were told, “Don’t use the Lord’s name to make a promise unless you are going to keep it.” But I tell you not to swear by anything when you make a promise! Heaven is God’s throne, so don’t swear by heaven. The earth is God’s footstool, so don’t swear by the earth. Jerusalem is the city of the great king, so don’t swear by it. Don’t swear by your own head. You cannot make one hair white or black. When you make a promise, say only “Yes” or “No.” Anything else comes from the devil. [Matthew 5:33-37, CEV]

To be honest, we really and I mean really need to keep our promises. And that’s three.

Of course, when we do this, I don’t know if the axis of the world will suddenly shift and people will once more make things like honesty and integrity and character priorities in the future. I mean, maybe, as a society, the pendulum might swing back, but I don’t know. And maybe that will heal some of the division we see in marriages and families, communities and congregations, and of course, our country. But again, I just don’t know. 

Still, I do believe that, right here and right now, we can decide that we’re going to be compassionately truthful in what we say and what we do, because we believe that kind of life-style pleases God and builds trust and increases intimacy. And for those reasons, we can now decide that we’re going to try as best we can to know ourselves and to listen openly and to keep our promises. You see, regardless of anything else that might be happening around us, we can live as though we actually believe that honesty is one of the keys to healthy relationships.