Sunday's Message - Keys to Healthy Relationships: Communication

Depending on your experience, you may wonder if healthy relationships are even possible. There’s a lot of brokenness in the world; therefore, it’s easy to question whether good, solid, joy-filled relationships are even possible. But here’s the good news; Jesus Christ came to heal our relationships both with God and with one another. As the Apostle Paul wrote, 

Christ has made peace between Jews and Gentiles, and he has united us by breaking down the wall of hatred that separated us. Christ gave his own body to destroy the Law of Moses with all its rules and commands. He even brought Jews and Gentiles together as though we were only one person, when he united us in peace. [Ephesians 2:14-15, CEV] 

During this series, we’re exploring some of the Biblical keys to a healthy relationship. Over nine weeks, we'll discuss the following topics:

• January 5 - Love
• January 12 - Honesty
• January 19 - Humility
• January 26 - Communication
• February 2 - Patience
• February 9 - Acceptance
• February 16 - Affection
• February 23 - Forgiveness
• March 2 - Unity

On Sunday, January 26, we looked at communication. Below is the podcast and text of the sermon. You can stream the service by going to the Sligo Presbyterian Church YouTube Channel on Sundays at 10:00 a.m. (EDT).  You can hear a podcast of the service at the Sligo Presbyterian Church YouTube Channel or the Sligo Presbyterian Spotify Page.

Well, here we are, week four in our series dealing with the Keys to Healthy Relationships. And, to this point, we’ve been talking about love, you know, the decision to treat one another in a loving way. And then we looked at honesty and how that, without it, both trust and intimacy pretty much go down the drain. And finally, last week, we considered humility, a challenging little quality, but one that I believe is worth the effort because it enables us to praise God and to understand ourselves and to work together. Now that’s what we’ve covered so far. And let me ask those who applied these ideas this last week, were you at least a little warmer, particularly on Tuesday and Wednesday evening? Tell me later.

Anyway, this morning, we’re going to move onto what I believe is another relationship key, and now, I’m talking about communication. And I don’t know about y’all, but this is one that I may not do particularly well, not in some of my most important relationships, but that carries enormous consequences, especially when I don’t. Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. Almost twenty-five years ago, I was teaching at a school in Buckingham County, Virginia. I also had a little church just outside a town named Farmville. And so, every Sunday morning, Debbie, Maggie and I would drive sixty miles. I’d do the service. We’d have lunch in Farmville. And then we’d drive home. That was our Sunday routine. Now, at that same time, there was a television show on the BBC called What Not to Wear, and on the program, these two women would sort of fancy up a person who was what you could call “fashion challenged.” And of course, by the end of every episode, this generally stout duckling would be transformed into a swan. Now Debbie would watch this show every week. In fact, it was so much a part of her life that, on Sundays, as we drove back from Farmville, she’d sort of direct my attention to what she had on and ask me, “Is this a ‘What Not to Wear’ outfit?” Now understand, the right answer was always “yes, it is.” But on one particular Sunday, I was suddenly struck with a much better response, one that I was sure would result in a huge deposit in the old love bank. And so, instead of simply saying “yes,” I said, with a smile on my face, “It’s really hard to tell; you’re not nearly as big as those women on the show.” Now, I’ve got to tell you, saying it again causes me to cringe and wonder how I could have been so stupid. But at the time, I really thought I was paying my darling wife a compliment. I mean, I said, “Not nearly as big,” right? Now that’s exactly what I’m talking about when I say that, sometimes we’re not great with communication. And I can assure you that what I said affected our relationship for the rest of the trip home. And let’s just say, for the next few weeks, I had Love Bank checks bouncing left and right. 

And so, this morning we’re going to talk about communication. And as we’ve done for the last couple of weeks, we’ll approach it by answering three questions. First, what does the Bible say about communication? And then second, why is communication important for healthy relationships? And then third, how might we communicate more effectively?

Of course, if you’re using the Bible to define communication, well, that’s a little challenging because, when you think about it, the entire book is about communication, isn’t it? I mean, every time a priest prayed and every time a prophet spoke and every time someone wrote a gospel or a letting, they were communicating. In fact, I think the whole book, the Bible, represents communication, and that’s why it’s called God’s word. And as to the kind of communicating one person does with another, well, I think the Apostle Paul described it pretty well in his letter to the Colossians.

Each one of you is part of the body of Christ, and you were chosen to live together in peace. So let the peace that comes from Christ control your thoughts. And be grateful. Let the message about Christ completely fill your lives, while you use all your wisdom to teach and instruct each other. With thankful hearts, sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. Whatever you say or do should be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, as you give thanks to God the Father because of him. [Colossians 3:15-17, CEV]

Now that was what Paul wrote.

And I’ll tell you, I think that leads to two pretty important conclusions about what communication is, one of which I think we all already know and the other that we may not. You see, I think we all understand that communication involves sharing some kind of message or conveying some kind of information from the one who sends it to the one who receives it. And that’s true whether you’re talking about individuals or groups or even God. Now that’s what communication is, and I think we all know that. What we might not realize is this: when you get right down to it, neither the message itself nor the intention of the one who sends it is most important, although we often assume it is. No, what’s most important is how the other person or group receives it, you know, how they interpret what was sent. I mean, just think about the example I gave a minute ago, you know, when I shared what I said to Debbie on that long ride home. The fact that the message itself was technically accurate and my sincere intention was to pay her a compliment, none of that mattered. The message she received hurt her feelings, and me explaining my intentions wasn’t going to change that. And I guess you could say the same thing about promises that are made but not kept or words and actions that may not be all that important to me but are to you. You see, for it to be effective, what we intend should be what they receive. Now, in my opinion, that’s what communication is all about, bringing those two things together. 

And as to why it’s important for healthy relationships, well, I think when it’s done effectively, our ability to communicate gives us the chance to do three things that I believe are absolutely essential for strong and healthy relationships. 

For example, effective communication gives us the chance to express ourselves, and I’m talking about expressing ourselves to our spouses and to our friends and to our Christian brothers and sisters openly and honestly. In other words, within our relationships, you know, within our families and friendships, our community and congregation, folks can begin to understand who we are by the words we choose to use and the works we choose to do. We’re opening ourselves to them. And as a result, they can get an insight into our thoughts and feelings, our frustrations and fears, our hopes and dreams when we convey ourselves to others. And I’ll tell you, that’s why it’s so important if we’re serious about making sure that what we intend to say is the same as what’s actually heard. And you know, I think this is what the Evangelist Mark believed Jesus did when Mark described Christ’s teaching like this:

Jesus used many other stories when he spoke to the people, and he taught them as much as they could understand. He did not tell them anything without using stories. But when he was alone with his disciples, he explained everything to them. [Mark 3:33-34, CEV]

You see, effective communication gives us the chance to express ourselves. And that’s one.

But that’s not the only reason it’s important, because I also believe effective communication gives us the chance to grow in our understanding. And that just makes sense. I mean, my understanding of you and all the stuff you have to offer increases as I listen to what you’re saying and look at what you’re doing. Put another way, I grow with every bit of information you send my way. My goodness, isn’t that what teachers and preachers and parents do? And I know, those individuals who influenced me the most were the ones who communicated the best. And like I said, it doesn’t matter whether the message was sent through words I could hear or works I could do or, maybe most important of all, examples I could follow. Effective communication leads to growth. Of course, on the other side of the coin, it’s impossible to correct a problem if you don’t know about it. And how can you know about it, if you haven’t been told? And I’ll tell you, I think that’s exactly what Psalmist had in mind when he directed this to God.

Your teachings are wonderful,

    and I respect them all.

Understanding your word

brings light to the minds

    of ordinary people.

I honestly want to know

    everything you teach. [Psalm 119:129-31, CEV]

You see, in my opinion, effective communication gives us the chance to grow in our understanding. And that’s two.

But again, that’s not all, because I also believe it gives us the chance to offer support, and I’m talking about emotional support to others. And I think that’s particularly important in our relationships. For example, we can convey comfort through our compassion. And we can instill confidence through our encouragement. And we can offer direction through both our instruction and correction. You see, we can emotionally support those with whom we’re closest by what we effectively do and say. And you know, maybe that’s why the Apostle Paul wrote this to the Ephesians:

Stop all your dirty talk. Say the right thing at the right time and help others by what you say.

Don’t make God’s Spirit sad. The Spirit makes you sure that someday you will be free from your sins.

Stop being bitter and angry and mad at others. Don’t yell at one another or curse each other or ever be rude. Instead, be kind and merciful, and forgive others, just as God forgave you because of Christ. [Ephesians 4:29-32, CEV]

You see, along with expressing ourselves and growing in our understanding, effective communication gives us the chance to offer support to those whom we love. And for me, that’s why it’s important.

And so how can we do it? How can we be more effective in our communication? In other words, how can we take seriously both what the message is and how it’s received, because we want to express ourselves and to grow in our understanding and to offer as much support as we possibly can? I mean, for the sake of our relationships, how can we be better communicators? Well, for me, it involves incorporating three very basic attitudes that apply regardless of whether we’re the sender or the receiver. 

For example, first, we can intentionally develop empathy. In other words, we can try as best we can to see the world through their eyes. We can put ourselves into their shoes as we share and receive. Of course, that involves taking the time to understand a little of their background, you know, their thoughts and feelings, their frustrations and fears, their hopes and dreams. In short, we can decide that we’re going to empathize with him or her or them. And I’ll tell you why that’s important. As a sender, the more we understand about the one who’s going the receive our message, the better we’ll be able to tailor what we say and do so that what we intend is what’s received. If someone explains something to me in Portuguese,  I’m not going to understand, regardless of the intention of the sender or the accuracy of the message. And as the one who’s listening and looking, knowing some background on the sender might help us not get distracted by our own thoughts and feelings and assumptions so that we can find the pearl in the oyster. And you know, shaping the message to the audience, well, isn’t that exactly what John the Baptist did when he was teaching the crowds? I mean, right after challenging them to repent, he said,

“Do something to show that you really have given up your sins.”

The crowds asked John, “What should we do?”

John told them, “If you have two coats, give one to someone who doesn’t have any. If you have food, share it with someone else.”

When tax collectors came to be baptized, they asked John, “Teacher, what should we do?”

John told them, “Don’t make people pay more than they owe.”

Some soldiers asked him, “And what about us? What do we have to do?”

John told them, “Don’t force people to pay money to make you leave them alone. Be satisfied with your pay.” [Luke 3:8a, 10-14, CEV]

Personally, I think the more we empathize, the better we communicate.

And second, I also think communication is about focusing our attention, and I’m talking about focusing our attention on what we’re saying when we’re talking and on what we’re hearing when we’re listening. But I’ll tell you, this may be really challenging for us to do. For example, when Debbie’s talking to me, especially when the discussion is a little heated, if I don’t intentionally make the effort, I’ll often stop really listening to her and start thinking about what I’m going to say when it’s my turn. And I’ll tell you, sometimes when I’m the one talking, I assume she knows exactly why I feel the way I do. It’s like when a technician was telling me how to fix a glitch on my phone last week and I told her to talk to me like I was a ten-year-old, focusing our attention is pretty important for communication to be effective. And I’ll tell you, that probably explains why James wrote this in his letter:

My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things God wants done. [James 1:19-20, CEV]

For me, the more we focus, the more effective our communication becomes.

And third, if we want to maximize the benefits in all our conversations, we might want to seek clarity, rather than making a whole bunch of assumptions or simply dismissing it all as a bunch of baloney. You see, last week, when I was talking to the tech, maybe if I’d asked a few questions, I wouldn’t have needed to call Verizon a second time. It’s ok to ask, “What do you mean,” before assuming that you already know. And as the sender, questions can be your friend too. Often, when I’m working with a couple, and they’re discussing their issues, I’ll ask one to say out loud what the other just said. And I’ll tell you, sometimes I find it hard to believe the difference between what was said and what was heard, something that could be avoided with a simple question. And I’ll tell you, not only does this make a lot of sense, it also has solid roots in scripture. I mean, we just celebrated Christmas, right? Well remember the conversation Mary had with the Angel Gabriel:

Then the angel told Mary, “Don’t be afraid! God is pleased with you, and you will have a son. His name will be Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of God Most High. The Lord God will make him king, as his ancestor David was. He will rule the people of Israel forever, and his kingdom will never end.”

Mary asked the angel, “How can this happen? I am not even married!”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come down to you, and God’s power will come over you. So your child will be called the holy Son of God. [Luke 1:30-35, CEV]

Good night nurse, if Mary can look for a little clarification from an angel for crying out loud, we can certainly seek a little clarity in our conversations.

Of course, all this would have been nice to know as we were driving back from Farmville almost twenty-five years ago. I mean, most of the trip probably wouldn’t have been so quiet and frosty. And when Debbie finally said, “What do you mean, I’m not nearly as big,” I certainly wouldn’t have said, “That’s what I mean, you’re not nearly as big.” Some people are just too stupid to get married. More effective communication would have saved me from some of the scars I still bear and that I richly deserve.

You see, I wish I’d known then what I know now, you know, that even though communion is about sending a message from one person to another, the nature of the message and the intention of the sender aren’t nearly as important as how the message is received and interpreted. You see, now I realize that effective communication is important because it gives us the chance to express ourselves and to grow in our understanding and to offer genuine support. And now I know that I can avoid some of the pitfalls by simply developing some empathy and by focusing my attention and by seeking clarification. In short, I will never again assume that my darling wife will take the words “not nearly as big” as a complement, not since learning that communication is another key to healthy relationships.