Sunday's Message - Keys to Healthy Relationships: Affection

Depending on your experience, you may wonder if healthy relationships are even possible. There’s a lot of brokenness in the world; therefore, it’s easy to question whether good, solid, joy-filled relationships are even possible. But here’s the good news; Jesus Christ came to heal our relationships both with God and with one another. As the Apostle Paul wrote, 

Christ has made peace between Jews and Gentiles, and he has united us by breaking down the wall of hatred that separated us. Christ gave his own body to destroy the Law of Moses with all its rules and commands. He even brought Jews and Gentiles together as though we were only one person, when he united us in peace. [Ephesians 2:14-15, CEV] 

During this series, we’re exploring some of the Biblical keys to a healthy relationship. Over nine weeks, we'll discuss the following topics:

• January 5 - Love
• January 12 - Honesty
• January 19 - Humility
• January 26 - Communication
• February 2 - Patience
• February 9 - Acceptance
• February 16 - Affection
• February 23 - Forgiveness
• March 2 - Unity

On Sunday, February 23, we looked at affection. Below is the podcast and text of the sermon. You can stream the service by going to the Sligo Presbyterian Church YouTube Channel on Sundays at 10:00 a.m. (EDT).  You can hear a podcast of the service at the Sligo Presbyterian Church YouTube Channel or the Sligo Presbyterian Spotify Page.

Now y’all may not know this, but today is the last Sunday in the month of February. When next we gather, it’ll be March, for crying out loud. And before you know it, the snow will be gone, the flowers will be blooming and the grass will need to be mowed. Good times, almost. 

And today, we’re also looking at the seventh message in these sermons dealing with nine keys to healthy relationships, a series that was supposed to finish up on the Sunday right before the beginning of Lent, but what did the poet Robert Burns say about “the best laid plans of mice and men”? But be-that-as-it-may, today we’re on the seventh message, having already looked at love and honesty, humility and communication, patience and acceptance. And this morning, we’re going to focus on affection as another one of those relationship keys.

And I’ll tell you, that’s the reason we listened to the Carter Family sing The Church in the Wildwood just a minute ago. Now, y’all may not know this, but that’s one of my personal favorites. As a matter of fact, I had it played when I was installed here almost four years ago. But you know, it’s not because the church in which I was raised was anywhere close to the wildwood. Man, I’m a city boy, and Ocean View Presbyterian Church was right there on Little Creek Road, about a mile from the Naval Air Station. No, I think the reason why it really touches me is that it reminds me of a feeling that was present in that small suburban congregation of my childhood. You see, at Ocean View Presbyterian, I think we genuinely liked one another. Now, don’t get me wrong, there were times when members disagreed, you know, like when Rev. Libby and the session allowed folks who were part of the Poor People’s March on Washington to spend the night in the church building back in 1968. I’ll tell you, that caused quite a ruckus. But you know something; I don’t think we lost a single member, because we were a family that, in spite of our differences, really loved one another and wanted to stay together, not unlike that little brown church in the dell.

But of course, that’s not the case anymore, at least not within our broader society. I mean, so many things have changed in these sixty years. Where, at one time we could be open and listen even though only the intervention of Jesus himself would cause us to change our minds, now we often seem to enter conversations with all these suspicions and assumptions, if, that is, we enter this kind of conversations at all. And while, back in the day, two people could have an honest and a deep disagreement but still be friends, now we’re often primed to distrust and even dislike those who disagree with us. And while in the past, we would stay united, because there was this positive atmosphere that sort of drew us together, I guess you could call it “...the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love,” now that’s a lot harder isn’t it, you know, as our society pushes us into rival tribes. Now, I think this is something that we see happening in our society now-a-days. And without suggesting any reason or cause, I think this attitude, this animosity has affected all our relationships. Therefore, we really shouldn’t be surprised that denominations, even congregations are dividing and that families and marriages are facing stress that’s pulling them apart. For example, I read an article last week about all these children who’ve severed all contact with their parents over politics. It’s crazy! In a sense, the mutual affection that permeated that idyllic church in the wildwood is becoming a memory. And frankly, I think that’s a shame.

And I’ll tell you, that’s why we’re looking at affection this morning, because personally, whether you’re talking about families or friendships, congregations or communities, I believe that really is a key to a healthy relationship. And as we’ve done in the past, we’ll do this by answering three questions. First, what is affection according to the Bible? And second, why is affection important in relationships? And then third, how can we be more affectionate in our relationships, and I’m talking about all our relationships?

Of course, before we can do anything else, we really need to establish what the Bible has to say about affection. And you know, it’s interesting, I think it all comes down to the two Greek words found in the Bible that are both translated “love”: αγάπη and φιλέω. Now we’ve already talked about αγάπη/love in the first message. It’s an action based on a decision that really doesn’t involve feelings. In other words, it’s treating someone with kindness and respect, you know, with love. And this is something we can do whether we like that person or not. I mean, when Jesus said “love your enemies,” he used the word αγάπη. But φιλέω is different. You see, that’s an emotion. In other words, it’s the feeling of love and warmth and compassion. Simply put, it’s what we might call affection, something that sort of just happens beyond our control. As a matter of fact, it’s like what we saw in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, right after the Eagles won the Super Bowl. Well, maybe that’s not a great example. Let’s just think about φιλέω as being affectionate.

And even though, in the New Testament, αγάπη is crucial (in fact, every time we’re commanded to love, it’s αγάπη), that doesn’t mean that φιλέω is unimportant, something that’s frankly hard to see in our English Bibles because, as I just said, both words are translated “love.” For example, just think about this conversation between Jesus and Peter right at the end of John and I’m reading this from the New Revised Standard Version because I think it’s a more accurate translation of the Greek:

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my lambs.” A second time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter felt hurt because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” And he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.” [John 21:15-17, NRSVUE]

Now that’s the conversation. And even though, in English, it sounds a little confusing and repetitive; in Greek, it actually makes a lot more sense. You see, although in his three responses, Peter used the word φιλέω, in his first two questions, Jesus used the word αγάπη. In other words, for Jesus, in order to feed lambs or tend sheep, Peter was going to need to demonstrate a love that’s intentional, not just emotional. But what’s interesting is that in Jesus’s last question, he used the word φιλέω, something Peter, at this point in his life, was able to do. He could feel love and warmth and compassion. He could be affectionate, but he couldn’t yet intentionally love those he didn’t like. And yet, and personally I find this really exciting, even though that was all he could do, man, he could still feed the sheep. In other words, he still had a role to play in the Kingdom of God. You see, according to the Bible, that’s what affection is all about.

And why is it important? Why is it important to feel affection and warmth and compassion toward others? Well, just like we saw in Jesus’s last question to Peter, our emotions will nearly always lead us to act.

Of course, there’s the problem. We all know that emotions are unpredictable, and they’re volatile, and they’re fickle, sort of like the emcee says in the musical, Cabaret: Can one ever choose where the heart leads us? And because of that, on one hand, our emotions, our affections can certainly be misplaced. And when they are, they can kind of lead us astray, moving us to do some things that we probably shouldn’t do and convincing us that what may be wrong is not just right, but righteous, sort of like Jesus told his disciples in the Sermon on the Mount:

When you pray, don’t be like those show-offs who love to stand up and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners. They do this just to look good. I can assure you that they already have their reward.

When you pray, go into a room alone and close the door. Pray to your Father in private. He knows what is done in private and will reward you. [Matthew 6:5-6, CEV]

Of course, that was just one example. Jesus said the same thing about people who love to sit at the head table and who love to walk around in long robes and even those who love their fathers and mother more than they love him. You see, on one hand, misguided affection can get us into real trouble. I mean, that’s why they call them crimes of passion.

But on the other hand, when focused, man, this same emotion can lead to some genuine positive results. And I’ll tell you, that’s why Paul challenged mothers to feel love for their children and husbands to love their wives. As a matter of fact, as it applies to the whole church, this was what the writer of the Letter to the Hebrews said, and I’m reading this from the New International Version:

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering. [Hebrews 13:1-3, NIV]

You see, even though our affection can be a little misguided and misdirected at times, when the emotions are focused, in other words, when we feel affection for those things that, for God, are most important, those feelings can not only draw us closer together, they can move us away from what’s secure and comfortable so that we can do what God has called us to do. And for me, that’s why affection is important in all our relationships.

Which leaves us with how, how can we actually do it? I mean, how can we feel affection even for those folks we don’t particularly like but whom we’ve called to love? Now, that’s the question. And I’ll tell you, I think the answer is really tough. In fact, it may be the most challenging relationship key we’ve covered thus far. I mean, if you’re talking about love and honesty, humility and communication, patience and acceptance, it’s easy for me to stand up here and say, “Just do it.” In other words, just decide to be loving and honest. Just decide to be humble and to communicate better. Just decide to be more patient and accepting. You see, those are all decisions, actions, matters of the will. But feeling affection, feeling warmth, feeling compassion and concern, well, that’s radically different, because it’s a matter of the heart, isn’t it? I mean, although we have control over what we do, we don’t have much over what we feel. And I’ll tell you, that makes how we can become more affectionate tricky.

But I’ll tell you it’s not impossible. And you know, the reason I say that is grounded in something Jesus taught when he was talking to his disciples about their possessions and priorities. According to the Evangelist Matthew he said:

Don’t store up treasures on earth! Moths and rust can destroy them, and thieves can break in and steal them. Instead, store up your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy them, and thieves cannot break in and steal them. Your heart will always be where your treasure is. [Matthew 6:19-21, CEV]

You see, Jesus said, “Your heart will always be where your treasure is.” [Matthew 6:19-21, CEV] And I’ll tell you, I think that’s really important, but not just in how we regard our possessions. You see, according to Jesus, our emotions will be drawn by what we do, you know, by where we place our treasure. And so, if we want to value what’s up there in heaven, we need to get up and to start doing those things that will build it up right here on earth. Now that’s what Jesus said; therefore, if we want to feel more excited about something like missions or evangelism or outreach, we need to get up and to start being more engaged in missions and evangelism and outreach. And if we want to feel more affection, if we want to feel more compassion, if we want to feel more φιλέω/love, we may need to start showing αγάπη/love to others. Why? Because our heart will always be where our treasure is.

And as to αγάπη/love, man, we already know exactly how to do that, don’t we? As the Apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians:

Love is patient and kind,

never jealous, boastful,

proud, or 

     rude.

Love isn’t selfish

    or quick tempered.

It doesn’t keep a record

    of wrongs that others do.

Love rejoices in the truth,

    but not in evil.

Love is always supportive,

loyal, hopeful,

    and trusting.

Love never fails! [1 Corinthians 13:4-8, CEV]

You see, whether we’re talking about our families or friendships, our communities or congregations, if we want to feel, we really need to act. And in my opinion, that’s how we can become more affectionate.

Of course, I doubt we’ll ever be able to create in our relationships the atmosphere found in that church in the wildwood. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure that either the little brown church in the dell or Ocean View Presbyterian right by the naval base was as peaceful and harmonious and loving as I remember. Still, that doesn’t mean that we have to buy into the suspicion and the hatred and the tribalism we see now-a-day, at least not when it comes to our relationships. You see, I believe that the kind of φιλέω/love, those feelings of warmth and compassion are possible. And even though feelings can be fickle and misguided, they can also move us to do amazing things in an atmosphere of great unity. And I believe this is possible when we accept that our emotions are drawn by our actions, you know, what we feel is shaped by what we decide to do; therefore, we’re going to feel more love when we make the conscious decision to be more loving. And for me, that’s how we can claim this seventh key to healthy relationships, namely affection.