Sunday's Message - Keys to Healthy Relationships: Forgiveness

Depending on your experience, you may wonder if healthy relationships are even possible. There’s a lot of brokenness in the world; therefore, it’s easy to question whether good, solid, joy-filled relationships are even possible. But here’s the good news; Jesus Christ came to heal our relationships both with God and with one another. As the Apostle Paul wrote, 

Christ has made peace between Jews and Gentiles, and he has united us by breaking down the wall of hatred that separated us. Christ gave his own body to destroy the Law of Moses with all its rules and commands. He even brought Jews and Gentiles together as though we were only one person, when he united us in peace. [Ephesians 2:14-15, CEV] 

During this series, we’re exploring some of the Biblical keys to a healthy relationship. Over nine weeks, we'll discuss the following topics:

• January 5 - Love
• January 12 - Honesty
• January 19 - Humility
• January 26 - Communication
• February 2 - Patience
• February 9 - Acceptance
• February 16 - Affection
• March 2 - Forgiveness
• March 9 - Unity

On Sunday, March 2, we looked at affection. Below is the podcast and text of the sermon. You can stream the service by going to the Sligo Presbyterian Church YouTube Channel on Sundays at 10:00 a.m. (EDT).  You can hear a podcast of the service at the Sligo Presbyterian Church YouTube Channel or the Sligo Presbyterian Spotify Page.

You know, when you think about it, there’s a lot of new going on around here this morning. I mean, not only are we entering a new month, thanks to a power surge that fried some of our equipment, we’ve got a new computer in the office, and we’ll be getting a new printer, which is covered by our insurance, PTL. And as you can see, we have new microphones which means that I don’t have to detach my lapel mic and violate your personal space when you either have an announcement to make or a prayer request to share. And so, there’s a lot of newness happening at SPC.

But of course, not everything is new. In fact, this morning we’re nearing the end of a sermon series we started back in mid-January entitled Keys to Healthy Relationships. And during seven services, we’ve looked at love and honesty, humility and communication, patience and acceptance. And last week, we focused on affection, you know, the emotion of love, as another one of those keys. And this morning, we’ll look at key number eight, forgiveness. And so, if you’re talking about our general theme, well, that’s certainly not new.

And I’ll tell you, neither is something that will be crucially important around the Rudiger house in the next few days, and right now I’m talking about Debbie’s birthday, something we’re celebrating on Wednesday. I think this is the twenty-seventh time I’ve attended that rodeo. And trust me, “forgiveness” is definitely not something I want to associate with March 5th and beyond. I mean, doing something that needs to be forgiven on your wife’s birthday, well, that’s the gift that keeps on giving, but not in a good way. Let’s just say it can put a lot of stress on a relationship.

But of course, if you’re talking about problems associated with forgiving, well, I don’t think that applies to just marriages. You see, personally, I think some of the relationship problems we see in the world now-a-days come from our inability or reluctance to forgive others. Let’s just say, that “live and let live” attitude doesn’t seem all that popular in our world today. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t seem to matter whether you’re talking about families or friendships, communities or congregations, folks seem to be a whole less like Elsa in Frozen who could just “Let it go” and a whole more determined to hold on to hurts and disappointments and even look for opportunities to even the score. I’ll tell you, often it seems we spend more time and effort looking for how we might get revenge and retaliation and retribution than looking for reasons to offer forgiveness and mercy and kindness. And so I guess we really shouldn’t be surprised that many of our relationships have sort of gotten caught in the crossfire.

And I’ll tell you, for that reason, we’ll be looking at forgiveness this morning. And as we’ve done before, we’ll approach it by answering three questions. First, according to the Bible, what is forgiveness? And then, second, why is forgiveness important for relationships? And then, third, how can we actually do it? You know, how can we become more forgiving? 

Now, that’s the plan, and we’re starting with the question: What is forgiveness according to the Bible? In other words, what does scripture have to say about offering mercy and showing kindness to someone who may have done us wrong? And I’ll tell you, even though there are all kinds of verses throughout the Bible about forgiveness, there’s a parable found in the Gospel of Matthew that I think sums it up pretty well. Now this was what happened:

Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?”

Jesus answered:

Not just 7 times, but 77 times! This story will show you what the kingdom of heaven is like:

One day a king decided to call in his officials and ask them to give an account of what they owed him. As he was doing this, one official was brought in who owed him 50,000,000 silver coins. But he didn't have any money to pay what he owed. The king ordered him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all he owned, in order to pay the debt.

The official got down on his knees and began begging, “Have pity on me, and I will pay you every cent I owe!” The king felt sorry for him and let him go free. He even told the official that he did not have to pay back the money.

But as this official was leaving, he happened to meet another official, who owed him 100 silver coins. So he grabbed the man by the throat. He started choking him and said, “Pay me what you owe!”

The man got down on his knees and began begging, “Have pity on me, and I will pay you back.” But the first official refused to have pity. Instead, he went and had the other official put in jail until he could pay what he owed.

When some other officials found out what had happened, they felt sorry for the man who had been put in jail. Then they told the king what had happened. The king called the first official back in and said, “You're an evil man! When you begged for mercy, I said you did not have to pay back a cent. Don't you think you should show pity to someone else, as I did to you?” The king was so angry that he ordered the official to be tortured until he could pay back everything he owed. That is how my Father in heaven will treat you, if you don't forgive each of my followers with all your heart. [Matthew 18:21-35, CEV]

Now that’s what Jesus said. And I think I’m safe in saying that, based on this parable, forgiveness is simply showing to others what God has shown to us. Of course, as the story indicates, it doesn’t just happen. Instead, the kind of forgiveness that Jesus had in mind comes from a heart-felt recognition and appreciation of what we’ve received. But it’s also grounded in a very real and intentional decision to be kind and to be merciful and to show pity to others. You see, as I read Scripture, that seems to be what forgiveness is all about. Now, that’s the what.

And as to the why, you know, why is forgiveness important for relationships, well, I’ll tell you, I think it comes down to three things that forgiveness does for us and for those around us. 

For example, first, I believe forgiveness brings us closer to God. In other words, the act of showing mercy and kindness and pity to someone who may have hurt or disappointed or frustrated us in some way, well, I think it strengthens our relationship with the one who’s already forgiven us for so very much. And I’ll tell you something else it does with respect to God; I believe that recognition and appreciation sort of motivates us to pass it forward to others. You know, it’s like Jesus told his disciples during the Sermon on the Mount:

If you forgive others for the wrongs they do to you, your Father in heaven will forgive you. But if you don't forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. [Matthew 6:14-15, CEV]

You see, I think forgiveness brings us closer to God. And that’s one thing it does.

But that’s not all, because I believe it also frees us from bitterness. Have you ever heard that old saying, “Revenge is a dish best served cold”? Well, let me ask you, how many miles would you need to carry around that pain and that resentment and that frustration until the initial white-hot desire for vengeance becomes cold enough to serve? And while you’re carrying around that resentment and frustration, how do you think it’s affecting your attitude and your outlook to say nothing of your stomach and your blood pressure? You see, our willingness to forgive as we’ve been forgiven actually frees us from this burden, something that I believe the Apostle Paul understood when he wrote this to the Ephesians:

Stop being bitter and angry and mad at others. Don't yell at one another or curse each other or ever be rude. Instead, be kind and merciful, and forgive others, just as God forgave you because of Christ. [Ephesians 4:31-32, CEV]

I’ll tell you, forgiveness really enables us to pull an Elsa and to let the bitterness go. And that’s the second thing it does for us and those around us.

And third, I believe it also becomes a way for us to demonstrate love, and right now, I’m really not talking about the emotion but the action. In other words, it becomes another one of those tangible signs of our decision to be loving, even to folks whom we may not like very much. In fact, deciding to forgive is part and parcel of deciding to love. And remember, of all the things the Bible tells us to do, according to Jesus Christ, it can be summed up in a single commandment, to love one another as we’ve been loved. And you know, I think that’s probably what the Apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote this to the Colossians:

God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek, and patient. Put up with each other, and forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you. Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together. [Colossians 3:12-14, CEV]

And so, along with bringing us closer to God and freeing us from the bitterness we often end up carrying around, forgiveness can be a tangible demonstration of love. And I’ll tell you, for me, that’s why it’s important.

Which leaves us with how, how can we become more forgiving? How can we push back and push aside the desire for revenge and retaliation and retribution? And how can we offer more mercy and kindness and pity to those around us, particularly those who’ve hurt us in some way? How can we do it? Now, that’s a really good question. And even though I think there’s a whole bunch of really good answers floating around out there, let me briefly share with you three things we might want to consider if we’re serious about being more forgiving. 

I mean, for one, we can focus more of our attention on God and in particular, on what he’s done and does and will continue to do for us, his  children. You see, as it relates to forgiveness, I think it’s a whole lot easier for me to forgive my spouse or my friends, a member of our congregation or community after I’ve spent a little time just thinking about the forgiveness God has already shown to me. t least, I believe that’s what John thought, because just listen to what he wrote in this first letter:

If we say we share in life with God and keep on living in the dark, we are lying and are not living by the truth. But if we live in the light, as God does, we share in life with each other. And the blood of his Son Jesus washes all our sins away. If we say we have not sinned, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth isn't in our hearts. But if we confess our sins to God, he can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away. [1 John 1:6-9, CEV]

You see, to become more forgiving, we may need to focus more of our attention on God. That’s one.

And two, we can also decide to take action, you know, to just do it. I mean, much like the kind of love commanded by Jesus Christ, forgiveness is an act of the will, not of the heart. Therefore, if we want to be more merciful, if we want to be more kind, if we want to show more empathy and pity, we may need to lace up our Nikes and just do it. Of course, this may not be easy. I mean, we’re talking about forgiving when seeking revenge and retribution and retaliation may seem more appropriate and certainly be more socially acceptable. I mean, we live in an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth kind of world, for crying out loud, even though we know, deep down, that’s just going to leave the world blind and toothless. And you know, that’s why deciding to be more forgiving just may involve following the Apostle Paul’s advice to the Romans:

Dear friends, don't try to get even. Let God take revenge. In the Scriptures the Lord says,

“I am the one to take revenge

    and pay them back.”

The Scriptures also say,

“If your enemies are hungry,

    give them something to eat.

And if they are thirsty,

give them something

    to drink.

This will be the same

as piling burning coals

    on their heads.”

Don't let evil defeat you, but defeat evil with good. [Romans 12:19-21, CEV]

And so, to amp up our forgiveness, we must decide to take action. And that’s two.

And finally, three, I think forgiveness is a whole lot easier when we set some appropriate boundaries. Let me explain what I mean. Sometimes I think we confuse forgiving with forgetting. And even though I believe the first is a matter of the will, the other isn’t. In other words, we can decide to forgive; but I’m not sure we can decide to forget; therefore, the past hurts and the past disappointments and the past frustrations may still be hanging around despite our best efforts to forget about them. And for that reason, I think it may be important to set some boundaries to prevent our memories from interfering with what Christ has called us to do. For example, even though I may be expected to forgive someone for betraying my trust, I’m not called to put myself in the position to have my trust betrayed again. It’s like Anthony Weldon wrote, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me,” That’s what I mean by boundaries. Now to me that just makes sense, but I also think it’s grounded in scripture. For example, I believe this idea of drawing a line between what’s appropriate and helpful and what’s not is reflected in some advice Paul offered the Corinthians when he wrote this:

Stay away from people who are not followers of the Lord! Can someone who is good get along with someone who is evil? Are light and darkness the same? Is Christ a friend of Satan? Can people who follow the Lord have anything in common with those who don't? Do idols belong in the temple of God? [1 Corinthians 6:14-16, CEV]

You see, forgiving men and women who may not have changed very much is a whole lot easier the minute we set some appropriate boundaries. And that’s three.

Of course, I certainly hope that Debbie doesn’t have to apply any of these techniques after her birthday on Wednesday. If so, I might be alone on Thursday. But you know, as it relates to forgiveness, I think they’re very appropriate. I mean, since we know that forgiveness is really showing to others what God has shown to us, and since we know that, when we’re actively forgiving spouses and friends, members of our community and congregation, we’re coming closer to God and we’re freeing ourselves from bitterness and we’re demonstrating love in way that folks can see and feel, maybe it’s worth the time and the effort to focus on God and to decide to take action and to set some appropriate boundaries. You see, that just might be the best way to claim the eighth key to healthy relationships, namely forgiveness.